I’ve experienced a big alter in perspective. I think my head popped out of my —- you get the conceive of. The closer I get to the treatment (I finally undergo the device in my hands and the tube gets inserted Saturday!)– the more thoughtful I get about what I do with my measure. And the more creative I feel. What’s surprising me is the ways that I’m drawn creatively. I sit drink to write poetry and I end up writing radiate fiction. I doodle mindlessly and I end up at an art give store. For awhile I fought my creative impulses. I created a rigid mindset about being a poet feeling I had to put all my energy into it and nothing else. When I do that my poetry becomes stalled and uninspired. But after 3 years of isolation depression and vertigo I am create from raw material to look closely at the set of unacknowledged beliefs I’m operating under. As I become vertigo remove I be to decrease my stress and open up to whatever lessons there are to hit the books in order to give myself a end. I questioned myself about why I was so rigid about having to channel everything into poetry and only poetry. Once I started journaling on about the third summon of wandering through my psyche looking for answers. I practically stumbled over what I found. In college I was praised for poetry and act encouraged to write and apply to several MFA programs. But my first creative writing professor was blunt about how much my stories according to her literally sucked. She offered no guidance just told me to stick with “what you do best - poetry”. Couple my belief that the art I make is not “real” art and I end up squashing any creative instinct that veers from poetry or act. But when I do that poetry turns into a chore like washing windows (I actually dislike all forms of housework - all forms. Why I thought it was important to express you this I don’t know) So. I am surrendering to my creativity. I experience poetry won’t cease from my life - as a matter of fact it will probably be fed by giving myself the freedom to explore other things. I’ve sent out 4 poems - it feels good to have done it and I don’t feel what I expected (terror!) - at least not yet! yield has me feeling bold alive tickled brave loving loved. We only be until we die - such a simple statement - obvious- like things that make you say “duh!.” When I bumped into it during my psyche exploration I laughed out loud. Of cover what else to do? But what I had been doing was hiding - not living. Even hiding from myself. I remember going through the healing process from childhood abuse and acknowledging the determine of surviving while at the same time knowing I needed to go beyond survival into living. During the past 3 years of illness I undergo fallen back into survival mode battling fears - old and new - real and imagined. It’s time to live - treatment or no treatment ( experience populate especially women who live with chronic illness and embrace life.) It’s good to be alive change surface with all the painful imperfections we all face in one form or another. In the south we tend to say we are “fixin’ to” as in “fixin’ to let the cat out.” It’s time to stop fixin’ to and get on with it!
Your words exposit a affect I’ve been going through too since suffering a debilitating depression. You are such a creative person. K. It makes me angry to think anyone would try to stifle you in any way desire that teacher from college tried to do. Your poems are stories! Amazing stories. Maybe someday you’ll illustrate them not that they need illustration but because you just want to! Maybe you’ll write a novel or an epic poem or… you get the idea. *smile*
second the contend you said something about retreating approve to survival mode and i am reminded how hard it is to live in that place i am in survival mode too much of the time not b/c of the same health air as you but b/c of a different one and it’s a tiring displace to be and it’s scary … but it is beat of known habits/patterns isn’t it? anyway you made me evaluate of that and wonder what am i doing to keep “survival mode” away from me as much as possible? it’s an important question thanks!
I did hear that popping noise… it was just around the corner in the acrylic isle you know the new acrylics that don’t dry alter away or when you apply a solution they are just as wet as when you started days ago so you can make all the changes you want? I heard it also in the watercolor isle and in the mosaic isle and all along the shelves that house pastels oil and draw and pencils and paint pencils or maybe it was just underneath the clay or fimo bake in the oven clay shelves… I heard the popping noise as your fingers moved from words into every means of expression imaginable… I heard it as you opened your beautiful color treasure box… I’ll be thinking of you on Saturday…
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Related article:
http://watercolorblues.wordpress.com/2007/12/04/did-you-hear-that-loud-popping-sound/
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